Longing

The summer before my senior year in high school, I went on a mission trip to Siberia, Russia for a month of my summer. It was a phenomenal, life-changing time for me. It set my feet on a path for the future that I knew would be scattered with hard decisions and difficult times, but would be so rewarding because it was all about what God had planned for my life--his vision, his purpose, his dreams for my heart and my life.

In addition to gaining this insight, I had the most intimate time with God I have ever had in my life. One night while the team was gathered at the Martin's flat for worship together, God spoke a scripture in Song of Solomon to my heart..."How beautiful you are, my darling, my sister, my bride"...and in that moment, through those words and the encouragement of some on my team, I, for the first time, feel like I got a true glimpse of the unconditional, whole-hearted love of my God. The promises he spoke to my heart that night about his faithfulness to me are still so vivid in my mind, and just the thought of the presence of God in that moment still brings tears to my eyes...At that point in life, I felt very un-lovely, un-loveable, and like I had already made some decisions God could never forgive or forget. In that moment, it was all gone. I WAS LOVED.

Maybe that's why I still cry nearly every time I hear "The More I Seek You." I remember a dream I had while in college of God seeing all my sins laid bare before me and telling me to not look at the sin or the incompetence, but instead to look full in his face, directly at his eyes. It was VERY hard for me to do this because of all the shame. He had seen it all, yet in the dream, he clasped my face in his hands, pulled me to him, sat me on his lap, and rocked me like a little child. I still equate God's love in that mental picture--sitting back in His lap, drinking from His cup, feeling Him breathe...what more on earth or heaven could be better than that!!!

So fast forward through college, marriage, a career, and now two children. Obviously life is different. "Stuff" seems to follow behind me, go before me, completely surround me on most days. Life as a "grown up" has proven much more difficult on ALL fronts than I ever expected as a seventeen year old kid whose biggest worry was making it to work on time and graduating in the top ten percent of her class. Life has dealt hands of raw, cutting pain, sheer, exhilarating joy, deep, heartfelt disappointment, and amazing, awesome achievements. It's been a roller coaster. A good one overall, a life that has given me lessons to live by for the rest of my life, even in my short thirty years. And yet, I still feel caught up in life and the details of existence.

But about a year ago, I said, "God, I want to go back to that place. Why can't I love you like that again? Why can't I be in a relationship with you like that once again?" I have to admit, my trust in God has been tested, to the point that I have chosen to hold God at a distance at times, fearing the pain of this-and-such situation (more than one, to be sure) experienced EVER AGAIN would completely destroy me. But what about that place? If God doesn't ever change, can I trust him to hold me again? To speak vision to me? To commune with me? To love me? To forgive me? Dare I say to even make it right, whatever that means?

In my bible study today I shared something with a friend that I had read, and although I still think it was for her and her family, maybe it was also for me. For on this journey of life, I don't want to miss out on what I KNOW is the best love of a lifetime. So I will speak it to myself, as well, realizing the risk and not being willing to know life otherwise.

"Perhaps you've been afraid of God or angry at Him about something but, if you've known intimacy with Him in the past, you're also most likely miserable at this "safe" distance. Invite Him back with the fullnes of His presence and remember the lesson of Obed-Edom [a man given the privilege of housing the Ark of the Covenant for a time during King David's reign]. God cannot abide near you without blessing you. Call for Him. Somewhere in the heavenlies the music is playing, and it's time for you to dance again."