The summer before my senior year in high school, I went on a mission trip to Siberia, Russia for a month of my summer. It was a phenomenal, life-changing time for me. It set my feet on a path for the future that I knew would be scattered with hard decisions and difficult times, but would be so rewarding because it was all about what God had planned for my life--his vision, his purpose, his dreams for my heart and my life.
In addition to gaining this insight, I had the most intimate time with God I have ever had in my life. One night while the team was gathered at the Martin's flat for worship together, God spoke a scripture in Song of Solomon to my heart..."How beautiful you are, my darling, my sister, my bride"...and in that moment, through those words and the encouragement of some on my team, I, for the first time, feel like I got a true glimpse of the unconditional, whole-hearted love of my God. The promises he spoke to my heart that night about his faithfulness to me are still so vivid in my mind, and just the thought of the presence of God in that moment still brings tears to my eyes...At that point in life, I felt very un-lovely, un-loveable, and like I had already made some decisions God could never forgive or forget. In that moment, it was all gone. I WAS LOVED.
Maybe that's why I still cry nearly every time I hear "The More I Seek You." I remember a dream I had while in college of God seeing all my sins laid bare before me and telling me to not look at the sin or the incompetence, but instead to look full in his face, directly at his eyes. It was VERY hard for me to do this because of all the shame. He had seen it all, yet in the dream, he clasped my face in his hands, pulled me to him, sat me on his lap, and rocked me like a little child. I still equate God's love in that mental picture--sitting back in His lap, drinking from His cup, feeling Him breathe...what more on earth or heaven could be better than that!!!
So fast forward through college, marriage, a career, and now two children. Obviously life is different. "Stuff" seems to follow behind me, go before me, completely surround me on most days. Life as a "grown up" has proven much more difficult on ALL fronts than I ever expected as a seventeen year old kid whose biggest worry was making it to work on time and graduating in the top ten percent of her class. Life has dealt hands of raw, cutting pain, sheer, exhilarating joy, deep, heartfelt disappointment, and amazing, awesome achievements. It's been a roller coaster. A good one overall, a life that has given me lessons to live by for the rest of my life, even in my short thirty years. And yet, I still feel caught up in life and the details of existence.
But about a year ago, I said, "God, I want to go back to that place. Why can't I love you like that again? Why can't I be in a relationship with you like that once again?" I have to admit, my trust in God has been tested, to the point that I have chosen to hold God at a distance at times, fearing the pain of this-and-such situation (more than one, to be sure) experienced EVER AGAIN would completely destroy me. But what about that place? If God doesn't ever change, can I trust him to hold me again? To speak vision to me? To commune with me? To love me? To forgive me? Dare I say to even make it right, whatever that means?
In my bible study today I shared something with a friend that I had read, and although I still think it was for her and her family, maybe it was also for me. For on this journey of life, I don't want to miss out on what I KNOW is the best love of a lifetime. So I will speak it to myself, as well, realizing the risk and not being willing to know life otherwise.
"Perhaps you've been afraid of God or angry at Him about something but, if you've known intimacy with Him in the past, you're also most likely miserable at this "safe" distance. Invite Him back with the fullnes of His presence and remember the lesson of Obed-Edom [a man given the privilege of housing the Ark of the Covenant for a time during King David's reign]. God cannot abide near you without blessing you. Call for Him. Somewhere in the heavenlies the music is playing, and it's time for you to dance again."
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Kari Jobe-The More I Seek You
http://youtube.com/watch?v=U3GijrnfStk
This is the site on YouTube of one of my favorite worship leaders. She leads at a church in Fort Worth. This video is actually on a recording called Glorious, produced by CFNI in Dallas, which she worked on. SO precious, and such a heart for worship!!
This is the site on YouTube of one of my favorite worship leaders. She leads at a church in Fort Worth. This video is actually on a recording called Glorious, produced by CFNI in Dallas, which she worked on. SO precious, and such a heart for worship!!
JUST REDICULOUS!!!!
Why is it that I haven't posted in EXACTLY a month? Why is it that I seem to never have time to fully enjoy my blogging experience? I don't know, exactly, but it's rediculous. Just REDICULOUS. I simply need to get better at this, and hopeful through divine intervention I will.
So what's been going on the last month? Well, I've averaged 24 hours a week working, which in my book is bordering on too much, Skyler has been having a blast at Mother's Day Out and playing with her sitters Loren and Ariel, we've had a garage sale, we've attended our nephew's birthday party, I've been hard at work with our youth choir (called Motion) practicing and planning outreaches and organizing door prizes for our Women of Highland Women's Retreat, I am attending a great bible study on the Psalms of Ascent by Beth Moore, Coby took a "business trip" to Denver to learn about orthopedic stuff...and ski for two days on a beautiful mountain with perfect powder, and I got the privilege of attending the Women of Faith Conference with my mom, sister, aunt, and grandma last weekend. We also had another sonogram of our sweet Chloe Grace, and she's nearly 2 lbs., VERY active, and has a gorgeous profile. We're counting down the days until she's here...probably me more than anyone. It's hard to believe I've only got 15 weeks to go!!
So, in looking at all the things I've been doing, I guess it's fair to say I've been busy. Let me apologize to all my friends and family who diligently check my blog only to be DISAPPOINTED when it looks the same. FOREVER. I've been exceptionally tired at night lately, and Skyler has had some issues going to sleep all by herself in her princess bed lately, so before I know it, the day is done, and I'm asleep right along with her. I guess I need to look for other times to blog.
OK--for those who tagged me to write seven wierd things about myself...
1. I rub my right foot back and forth in bed at night before I fall asleep. I don't know why I do it, but I've done it since I was a kid. Strange.
2. I have one attached ear lobe and one that is not attached. This is a genetic anomoly and shouldn't be able to happen, but I guess it does.
3. I have one foot that looks like my mom's, and one that looks like my dad's.
4. I don't get squimish about snakes--I actually think they are kind of cool--but I'm incredibly scared of spiders. I would even wrap myself up in my sheets at night as a kid, kind of like a mummy, so that if a spider tried to get to me while I slept, I'd be safe.
5. I really like the smell of gasoline, although I've managed all these years to only smell it from a safe distance. It can really mess you up to smell the stuff out of confined containers, although at times it has been tempting!! :) (Just kidding.)
6. I really hate floating things in drinks, which is unfortunate for a pregnant mom of a toddler who insists on drinking out of a "big girl cup" while she has a mouth full of food. It's led to many a gagging session the past few months. And my drink has been TOTALLY off limits. I also have a hard time letting Skyler look dirty. She's a kid, I know, but even getting dirty at dinner is hard for me.
7. I tend to do everything the hardest way possible. Usually totally by accident, but still. It's hard.
For those who tagged me to write about The Things I love...
* coffee
* chocolate
* taking naps with my babies
* being outside on a beautiful day
* sleeping in a freshly made bed with good-smelling sheets
* the sun
* my friends
* time with my husband
* roses
* ice cream
* music, music, music!! My new fav is worship leader Kari Jobe.
* my new minivan
* my dog Bogey
* Skyler's laugh
* working with kids
I could list a million other things, I think. There's really not much I don't like, but since I'm trying to cram a month worth of blogs in one entry, I better stop while I'm ahead. :)
For those who expect deep insight....
more to come on this, but God is taking me through some very important life lessons right now. One is to look to him, not my circumstances, and the other is to discover the meaning of HOPE in my own life.
In my bible study this semester, we are focusing on the Psalms of Ascent, which are the psalms sung by the Jews on their pilgrimage back to Israel after captivity in Babylon. I love the parallels that I'm drawing between the words of these praises to the Father and the situations in my present-day life. I am realizing how much I stay in the here and now, dwelling on my circumstances and rarely looking into the eyes of my Abba Father to focus on his goodness to me, his mercy, his provision, and his love. I have been blown away, also by the amazing companionship I've found in my small group that gets together to discuss the lessons and pray together. What an amazing blessing they've been to share their hearts and lives with me!! It is a great group of women, and I feel so supported by them!! It's comforting to walk through this time in my life with others experiencing the same things.
In addition, I got so much out of the Women of Faith conference last weekend. The main theme was HOPE, and it was amazing the lessons God was teaching me, intertwining all I've been learning in bible study with the truths of God's ultimate DESIRE for our lives.
So the question to consider in my next blog and what I am pursuing in scripture and meditation right now: "What is the difference between hoping and wishing?"
Are you curious? I'll share more soon.
Thank you, dear ones, for putting up with my late-coming blogs!!! Congrats, MIMI, on the new baby!!! We're excited for you!! And I will try with all my might to blog more, and sooner. Please don't give up me!! Visit again soon!!! :)
So what's been going on the last month? Well, I've averaged 24 hours a week working, which in my book is bordering on too much, Skyler has been having a blast at Mother's Day Out and playing with her sitters Loren and Ariel, we've had a garage sale, we've attended our nephew's birthday party, I've been hard at work with our youth choir (called Motion) practicing and planning outreaches and organizing door prizes for our Women of Highland Women's Retreat, I am attending a great bible study on the Psalms of Ascent by Beth Moore, Coby took a "business trip" to Denver to learn about orthopedic stuff...and ski for two days on a beautiful mountain with perfect powder, and I got the privilege of attending the Women of Faith Conference with my mom, sister, aunt, and grandma last weekend. We also had another sonogram of our sweet Chloe Grace, and she's nearly 2 lbs., VERY active, and has a gorgeous profile. We're counting down the days until she's here...probably me more than anyone. It's hard to believe I've only got 15 weeks to go!!
So, in looking at all the things I've been doing, I guess it's fair to say I've been busy. Let me apologize to all my friends and family who diligently check my blog only to be DISAPPOINTED when it looks the same. FOREVER. I've been exceptionally tired at night lately, and Skyler has had some issues going to sleep all by herself in her princess bed lately, so before I know it, the day is done, and I'm asleep right along with her. I guess I need to look for other times to blog.
OK--for those who tagged me to write seven wierd things about myself...
1. I rub my right foot back and forth in bed at night before I fall asleep. I don't know why I do it, but I've done it since I was a kid. Strange.
2. I have one attached ear lobe and one that is not attached. This is a genetic anomoly and shouldn't be able to happen, but I guess it does.
3. I have one foot that looks like my mom's, and one that looks like my dad's.
4. I don't get squimish about snakes--I actually think they are kind of cool--but I'm incredibly scared of spiders. I would even wrap myself up in my sheets at night as a kid, kind of like a mummy, so that if a spider tried to get to me while I slept, I'd be safe.
5. I really like the smell of gasoline, although I've managed all these years to only smell it from a safe distance. It can really mess you up to smell the stuff out of confined containers, although at times it has been tempting!! :) (Just kidding.)
6. I really hate floating things in drinks, which is unfortunate for a pregnant mom of a toddler who insists on drinking out of a "big girl cup" while she has a mouth full of food. It's led to many a gagging session the past few months. And my drink has been TOTALLY off limits. I also have a hard time letting Skyler look dirty. She's a kid, I know, but even getting dirty at dinner is hard for me.
7. I tend to do everything the hardest way possible. Usually totally by accident, but still. It's hard.
For those who tagged me to write about The Things I love...
* coffee
* chocolate
* taking naps with my babies
* being outside on a beautiful day
* sleeping in a freshly made bed with good-smelling sheets
* the sun
* my friends
* time with my husband
* roses
* ice cream
* music, music, music!! My new fav is worship leader Kari Jobe.
* my new minivan
* my dog Bogey
* Skyler's laugh
* working with kids
I could list a million other things, I think. There's really not much I don't like, but since I'm trying to cram a month worth of blogs in one entry, I better stop while I'm ahead. :)
For those who expect deep insight....
more to come on this, but God is taking me through some very important life lessons right now. One is to look to him, not my circumstances, and the other is to discover the meaning of HOPE in my own life.
In my bible study this semester, we are focusing on the Psalms of Ascent, which are the psalms sung by the Jews on their pilgrimage back to Israel after captivity in Babylon. I love the parallels that I'm drawing between the words of these praises to the Father and the situations in my present-day life. I am realizing how much I stay in the here and now, dwelling on my circumstances and rarely looking into the eyes of my Abba Father to focus on his goodness to me, his mercy, his provision, and his love. I have been blown away, also by the amazing companionship I've found in my small group that gets together to discuss the lessons and pray together. What an amazing blessing they've been to share their hearts and lives with me!! It is a great group of women, and I feel so supported by them!! It's comforting to walk through this time in my life with others experiencing the same things.
In addition, I got so much out of the Women of Faith conference last weekend. The main theme was HOPE, and it was amazing the lessons God was teaching me, intertwining all I've been learning in bible study with the truths of God's ultimate DESIRE for our lives.
So the question to consider in my next blog and what I am pursuing in scripture and meditation right now: "What is the difference between hoping and wishing?"
Are you curious? I'll share more soon.
Thank you, dear ones, for putting up with my late-coming blogs!!! Congrats, MIMI, on the new baby!!! We're excited for you!! And I will try with all my might to blog more, and sooner. Please don't give up me!! Visit again soon!!! :)
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